14 Lessons I Learned From 14 Years of Marriage
Marriage is a gift from God. It’s held as precious and new in the early stages guarding with care, then kids and life happens over the years; the union that was once held so dear has understandably and easily dropped to the back burner. There is nothing wrong with your marriage, but it’s not exactly where you want it to be.
Recently, my husband and I celebrated our 14th anniversary. The actual day was just like any other day with our usual routines with our grade 2 daughter and preschooler son on a Tuesday afternoon, with the exception of saying Happy Anniversary to each other. Even though we did make a plans to celebrate dinner out at later date, in my heart, it didn’t feel like a special milestone that deserved a celebration.
I get it, dear friend, life happens with kids, work and home responsibilities, the unexpected financial struggle, or other dips in the road that distract us from taking the time to invest in the one person we committed our lives to.
If we’re not careful those things that pry our attention away from one of the most important relationships will create a void or possibly break it over time if left unchecked.
As wives, we have a special position to be the helpmate our men need. In Genesis 2:18 God says, “it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him, one who balances him - a counterpart” emphasis Amp. translation.
I used to look at the word helpmate as a less than value and a lower position, but that couldn’t be further from the truth that is shared from God’s viewpoint. We as wives hold the same weight of value as our husbands, what we do in our role matters, so much so that when we don’t take our role seriously our husbands and our marriage will be off-balanced.
Curious I decided to look at the definition of what it meant to help someone in the Merriam-Webster dictionary which says, “to give assistance or support to (someone): to provide (someone) with something that is useful or necessary in achieving an end.” As I continued to read, other terms stood out to me about how to help someone:
to make more pleasant, or bearable: improve, relieve
to be of use to benefit
to change for the better
to refrain from, avoid
to keep from occurring, prevent
to restrain (oneself) from doing something
to serve
Those are a lot of ways to help not just someone, but our husbands especially that last one, to serve.
Do you feel like more often than not you fall short and probably act like a hindrance more than a helpmate that God had purposefully picked for your husband? You’re not alone.
I’m far from perfect and need daily grace to fulfill my significant role as a wife as well. With 14 years of marriage, I’ve been learning some lessons that have been helping me grow and become a better wife. I would like to share them with you in hopes that you don’t have to learn the hard way as I have.
1. Discuss Realistic Expectations
Expectations are hard to meet especially when they’re silent. If not shared it can lead down the path of resentment over something that your husband had no clue about. Sitting down and discussing what matters to you and why is a good habit to start. Sometimes the expectations are shared loud and clear, but completely unrealistic that your husband couldn’t possibly live up to that standard. Remember your husband is not you, nor is he Mr. Perfect (like the guys in the hallmark movies). He will do things differently and it’s okay. It can be a hard pill to swallow when we want things done, just right the way, the way we would do it. Learning that my husband has strengths and weaknesses that are different than mine is a way I can help fulfill those gaps and vice versa with him. My strengths balance out his weakness, and his strengths balance out my weakness. Keeping an open realistic conversation about what you expect in your marriage is vital for it to thrive.
2. Speak Life-giving Words
Our words are an amazing gift, they can build up or tear down any relationship, shouldn’t we guard what comes out of our mouths that much more closely for our husbands. What we speak has enough power to bring life or death to our spouses. Over the next few days, I highly suggest doing a verbal inventory of how you speak to your spouse. Do your words motivate and captivate or do they destroy and devastate? Don’t let shame stop you from changing the course of your go-to words. Sharon Jaynes, the author of The Power Of A Women’s Words, wrote these encouraging words, “God brings life from death, and He can certainly give us the power to change the way we speak, if you are willing to use your words as an instrument of beauty, He is more than able to supply the power to do so.” If we want our marriages to be honouring to God, let our words be like honey: sweet to the soul and healthy for the body. Proverbs 16:24.
3. Think and Believe the Best
Sometimes speaking life-giving words is not enough. What good are our words when our thoughts towards our husbands are rotten and filled with garbage? What we think usually and pretty much always comes out no matter how much we guard our words, the truth of our hearts will stream into our thoughts which will continue to overflow out of the words we speak. Is it just out of habit that you think the worse or is much deeper? When it comes to all things related to the heart, praise God because that is where He specializes. When was the last time you asked God to help you with how you think and feel towards your significant other? Is there any unforgiveness or resentment that is affecting the way you see your husband? I completely understand that heart issues are complicated and messy, and it does take two to make a marriage work; however, with God on our side, He can turn lives around, and bring marriages back to life. It may take some grit and time, but all things are possible through Christ.
4. Invite The Holy Spirit of God into Your Marriage
God knew we would need help after Jesus, that we would probably mess things up yet again without a way of being connected to Him. When we invite The Holy Spirit into our marriages, we’re plugging into God Himself. We have access to an almightly power. If we need discernment, wisdom, protection from things that could harm our marriages, or even some extra patience topped with love, all we have to do is ask and it’ll be given. God, being the good and perfect Heavenly Father wants to give us good gifts and I believe that would include good gifts that would help our marriages grow stronger. Matthew 7: 7-11. Inviting The Holy Spirit into your marriage is one of the best gifts you can give as a helpmate to your spouse.
5. Pray Together
Praying together can be difficult to accomplish, especially if your husband does shift work or the opposite shift than you. Most couples don’t have the luxury of being able to pray together every single night. For my husband and me, that was our story. For too long I believed that we weren’t good enough in our prayer life, because we didn’t meet this high unrealistic standard. Let me tell you big-hearted friend that it’s okay to come together in prayer even if it’s only once a week if that is your season right now. My husband and I made an agreement that Sunday evenings would be our time where we come together in God’s word and in prayer. If Sunday evening doesn’t work for you then find at least one time where you and your hubby can discuss what you want to be in agreement about and commit to both pray on them throughout the week, you’re still coming together in prayer just not at the same time and that’s okay too.
6. Pray For Your Husband
Covering our husbands in prayer is another way we can serve as a helpmate. To be honest, praying doesn’t come naturally to me, and being the recovering perfectionist that I am, wanted to make sure my prayers covered my husband from head to toe, from the inside out, and in all areas of his life. Naturally, I would feel overwhelmed by the task and opted out before I even got started, until I found this little book, Book of Prayers: The Power of a Praying Wife written by Stormie Omartian. This book has been a God send to me (and maybe for you too). What I did was numbered each category of prayer, there were 31 of them, I pray the corresponding prayer that matches the date of the month, then by the end of the month I’ve covered my husband in prayer. Of course, there are days I miss, but it’s pretty easy to pick up on whatever day it is. Sometimes if there is a specific category I won’t wait for the date, I'll just say that prayer as the need comes. Whether you like me when it comes to saying a prayer or not, I think we can both agree that we can trust that God hears every prayer spoken and they’re never forgotten by Him.
7. Do Not Use The D Word
Divorce is not a word that should be thrown around lightly which goes against today’s culture. I get it, in the heat of an argument it’s easy to pull it out, but it carries a lot of weight. Divorce doesn’t solve the issue, it just makes things more complicated in the end. Statistically, people who get divorced usually will divorce again. I remember reading an article explaining that out of the couples that were on the brink of divorce and decided to stick it out (with or without counseling) ended up having happy and thriving marriages 5 years later. Think twice before speaking and think more before acting on it.
8. Take Ownership For Your Part
Marriages are not 50/50, but 100/100. Previously I mentioned that it takes two to make a marriage work, but it also can take two to tear it down. There will be moments where taking ownership won’t be so easy, because it may appear like we did nothing wrong in an obvious way. It may take some extra soul search digging with The Holy Spirit to see the deep-rooted weeds that we’ve planted in our marriage. I admit that it can be hard to see past the shield of pride, but laying our sinful part at the feet of Jesus and humbly asking for His forgiveness could be exactly what we needed to do to start rebuilding our marriage with the right foundation.
9. Forgive, Forgive, and Forgive Again
There’s a saying that marriage is just two sinners who commit to forgiving each other every day. Forgiving is not just for the other person, but for ourselves as well. It’s always our choice to forgive, however in Proverbs 17:9, “Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.” If dwelling on the wrong that was done to us separates close friends, how much more would it divide a union that God wants to bless. When unforgiveness reigns in our hearts, we’re actually preventing God from healing it and our marriage.
* I don’t know your specific situation, and I’m not an expert; when I speak about forgiveness, I’m not including things like abuse, or other ongoing destructive behaviour from our spouse. All I can say is to bring it to God and speak with a trusted Pastor or someone (perhaps a counselor) who has the wisdom and discernment of God and can help you in your unique situation.*
10. Comparison Kills
One of the quickest ways to kill joy in your marriage is comparing your husband to other men. Married or not, wishing your husband was more like someone else is like saying that he isn’t enough even if it’s in the whispers of your heart for now. When we compare and look at other men it also opens the door for lust, resentment, and other icky stuff to entertain our thoughts. Let’s just not go there, friend. God made your husand on purpose and for a purpose. If there is an area you think your husband needs to grow in, pray. God wants what’s best for him and your marriage.
11. Dream and Set Goals Together
During the dating and engagement stage, it’s common for couples to envision their future together. But after marriage, and kids it seems like it becomes less and less. Life gets busy and sometimes it’s hard to just stay afloat in the present, let alone think beyond. Let me tell you, dreaming doesn’t have to end. One of the best things my husband and I do on a regular basis is talk about our dreams and goals, which allows us to be on the same page when it comes to our future. I encourage you and your spouse to talk about things that light you up as indiviuals and as a couple and write them down. Who know you might be surprised that you have more in common than you realized. You can support one another, pray and take steps (even if they’re small) toward your goals together.
12. Learn Your Husband's Love Language
Perhaps you feel like all you do is love on your husband, but he doesn’t notice it. You keep up with all the housework, errands, and even make his faviourite meals regularly. Perhaps you’re starting to feel a little annoyed and resentful, because of all the LOVE you do, but nothing … crickets. Let me ask you this, have you heard of the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It’s a great book, that helps you understand and show love to your husband in a way that he’ll receive it and vice versa. Gary goes into detail about each love language: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. I highly recommend you invest in this book to gain the best insight on how to love your man the way God designed him. Learning how to love our husbands his way, may ignite a flame of love for you both, growing your marriage stronger and deeper.
13. Respect
Respecting our husbands is the flip side to love. We can’t love effectively without giving respect too. Respect in our marriage means recognizing the worth of our husbands. As the years go on, it’s easy to just see the flaws in our husbands making it harder to see their value. It takes work and humility to remember that he deserves respect just like you (just in a different way), simply because God created him. One of the ways we can honour and respect our husbands is by submitting ourselves to the role our husbands have as spiritual leaders in our families. I remember Candance Cameron Bure describing what submission means to her so beautifully, "…submissive is the biblical definition of that. So, it is meekness, it is not weakness. It is strength under control, it is bridled strength. And that's what I choose to have in my marriage." It doesn’t always come easy to lift up our husband in respect, but when we do and our husbands are also God-honouring men, they’ll treat us with the tender love and respect too.
14. Keep Your Dirty Laundry in the House
Complaining about our husbands to family, friends and even on social media does more harm than good. Our husbands are not perfect (neither are we) and we don’t need to air out every little “dirty laundry” that he does. First, it paints a bad picture of him to others when he doesn’t even have a chance to tell his side. Second, long after you’ve made up, others are left with that bad picture you painted. Bashing our husbands is wrong (even sinful), and has no place in a marriage that wants to honour God.
* Seeking wisdom and discernment with others who you valued their biblical opinion on a matter is different. *
Above all that I’ve learned in the last 14 years is that no marriage is perfect!
There are rocky rough patches and mundane meadows, but my goal as a wife to is hike it to the top with my husband at the end of our life watching the indescribable view of the legacy God blessed us with. Surrendering our marriage to the One who created marriage is what gives us the ability to carry on when things get tough and we have to shuffle on the narrow mountain cliff path. It’s tempting to look down, but it’ll just cause fear and dizziness. Perhaps if we keep our eyes focused upward, our feet planted on solid faith we can make it to the top. I believe this not just for me, but for you too beautiful-hearted friend.
We can be the women that God has called us to be, faithfully alive and free as well as a helpmate that honours her husband and God.
The journey is worth it in the end, just don’t give up, keep going!
I know you can do this!
always rooting for you with joy and purpose,
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